DemonicRitual.com

Street Spirit: He's Nuts -January 13, 2002

People always told me I was strange. I knew I was, and I think today I proved it yet again. Today, I made a flash movie that animates a joke/story that I came up with early last year. The history of it was that friends Xoap, Picklehammer, Spidey Web Sling, and I had found a prominent message board for parents to go to discuss violence being exposed to their children. The group and I all signed up for accounts and started to posts tons of morbid/funny posts. Most of them involved a lot of screaming and mentioning the game DooM. Two things I posted that night are still talked about to this day when our group is together online. One thing is my "Granny Killin' Rocket Launcher" that I "did a little bit of research on, and bought it off of Ebay." The second thing was a lot more disturbing. I came up with my Magic 8 Baby. I'm telling you, it was sick and twisted... and everyone loved it. Just today I managed to make my own flash version of the idea. Be warned, it is pretty disturbing. I'd say it's pretty phucked up.

Credit Where Credit is Due -January 12, 2002

Bunnyman, Morty, and Demented have managed to make my day on this really shitty week. I'd like to thank all of them for linking to me, I love checking my traffic to see that there's been a major rise in traffic to this pathetic little site. Be sure to vote at Bunnyman's site on what section he should get rid of to save some of his bandwidth for more of his ramblings. While you're at it, submit a question you've been dying to get an answer to Morty and his team of Twisted Monkeys. They manage to find the answers to TONS of weird/stupid questions. There's nothing more amusing that seeing stupid people get funny answers to stupid questions! Make sure you go get a laugh at Demented's site: Tales of the Twisted. I especially like his tales of Percy The Drunken Bunny. I'm pretty sure that Bunnyman will certainly get a kick out of it. Anyway, I'd like to thank all of you for the link. I'm sure you all like to know that your readers and the people you link to appreciate what ya do.

Now that I've kissed enough ass, I think I ought to come up with something more interesting to post. BYE!

They follow me around... -January 9, 2002

Weird creatures follow me around. It seems like I attract other psychopath and freaks. I mean, I was walking down a side street in my neighborhood, and I run into a freakish sheep. The thing was so confused. I mean, look at it! I don't really have any friends or animal companions that aren't twisted like I am. I suppose that's a good thing, but shit.... most people at least have ONE semi-normal friend. Every girlfriend I've had has had some strange fetish or personality quirk that sets them off from most "regular" people. At least I've come to fall in love with the one of the most unusual girls I know.

Other than the dog humping sheep, today was another normal boring day. School was slow. Work was slow. This evening... is going by slowly. At least I can go entertain myself tonight at Morty's Twisted World since good ole Morty made it back from his trip. Life gets duller when Morty isn't around. I'll leave you with: MIDGETS, Grannies, and my latest flash assignment which is involves Bubba trying to solve a problem: he can't find his Bottle Opener.

Devious Beings -January 8, 2002

I am insane. My family is insane. My brother, Sir Slayer, he's as nuts as I am. Why do I say this, you ask? Well, for starters, he'll say anything to anyone anytime. As you could imagine, knowing that he is indeed insane, that that could lead to some interesting conversations. Every time you talk to him, he manages to bring up tanks, the band Slayer, and a band of demons rising from the ground while giant amplifiers rise from the fires and the song "South of Heaven" begins playing. Aside from that, his dream cars include: VW Bug, VW Bus, an Old Woody station wagon, a tank, or construction equipment. Another part of his insanity lies in his compulsivness and strange fetish with lemons from Hotdog on a Stick. You see, whenever he sees a Hotdog on a Stick stand, he makes it a point to steal two lemons. Who needs two lemons!?! He walks up, says something silly to the girl working at the counter, then points for her to look over her shoulder.... then he nabs the lemon. He doesn't stop there. Nine times out of ten, the lemon gets stuffed in his pants and he ends up walking around showing it off to everybody. Yeah, Sir Slayer is wacky. If he had any decent grammar skills, I'd let him update the site frequently because he comes up with some really good material. Well, since you've been good little boys and girls, I'll reward you with a treat to enjoy. Ya know what? I'm feeling generous. I finished another flash movie today for my Multimedia class. It involves me getting into a fight with an old man. Its really "special" if you know what I mean. Its entitled: "Getting Revenge Against Evil Old People."

Hobo Migratory Patterns -January 7, 2002

Wanna know what's messed up? I was watching the news this evening here in Las Vegas, and something rather interesting was confirmed by reporters. It turned out that earlier reports given by the major local news stations were true: Salt Lake City is bussing their homeless citizens out of town and dumping them off here in Vegas. How fucked up is that? Damn Mormons and the "City on the Hill". Aren't they supposed to be compassionate for their fellow man? I suppose their logic would be that its warmer here in Las Vegas. Geeze. I'm sure they just want to have the homeless gone so they look better when they host the Olympics next month. Ya know, the 2002 Olympics have been fucked from the start. Crazy Utah bastards. It first started off that bribes were made and money exchanged hands in order to allow Salt Lake City be the hosts of the Olympics. Seriously, this is all a sham. First they bribe their way into getting the Olympics in their city, then the dump the hobos here in town and deny it. It's blatantly obvious that they bussed over the hobos anyway; most of the ones they interviewed had "recently made it down from Salt Lake City." Sigh. Oh well, there's nothing I can do about it. At least I can occasionally get a laugh from the homeless. The homeless people on the way to school hate me. When I drive through the underpass on the way to school, I blare my horn so it echoes and wakes up the bums. If I have to be up early so do they. Damn bums. Oh yeah, check out my new flash movie that I had to do for my multimedia class. The assignment was to make an encounter between an X and an O. Its entitled "predatOr"

We dun nut beeleeve in no violence... its a sin! -January 5, 2002

Damn. Today was a long ass day. Time really dragged on. I had to get up early so I could get a new fuel filter and my oil changed in my car. I desperately needed it, though. Before I had that work done, whenever I'd step on the gas at a light, there would be a long hesitation, then my car would accelerate at a very great rate. I thought I was going to get pulled over one time when that happened; I peeled rubber, and I was right next to a cop. Good thing for me that he wasn't paying attention. While I was waiting to pay for the work done on my car, I was listening to the Express Lube manager and some guy talk. After a few seconds, I gathered that they were debating on religion. As always, I tuned in. The customer was holding a bible in hand, and was pointing to it whenever he made a comment to the store manager. The manager sounded like he was against religion. This was getting interesting. The manager brought up that the bible is so "out there" that it is unbelievable since many of the events are "unearthly". The customer's reason for this was given by comparing the bible to the game "telephone". You know what game I'm talking about? The one where some idiot comes up with a simple story that he passes on to one person, who passes it on to another, etc till the story gets to the end and is nowhere close to the original story? Well, anyway, that was the guy's reasoning. He says he lives by the book, but he knows that "these are not god's words" or some shit like that. The interesting point was brought up by the manager. He said, "Damn Mormons are the worst. What right do they have to say you can't wear certain cloths or drink caffeine? They're so full of shit anyway, they fucking own PepsiCo!" The customer got flustered and said, "Well, we Mormons, ummm.... determined that caffeine wasn't a stimulant, so its okay for us to have." I quickly added in "but caffeine is a stimulant; it increases your heart rate. You all are just trying to come up with excuses for being hypocrites. The Mormon church also holds large quantities of stock from some of the major tobacco companies: but you're against smoking." The man started to lose his composure and just as he starting to speak my dad added, "I'm glad I'm a heathen, I enjoy life without boundaries thoroughly." Stuff like this just gets on my nerves, but I like going on about it. I'm weird. On a final note, this should be my last day of being a 56Ker... I should be getting a cable modem tomorrow!

Windows to Target Minorities Next - January 4, 2002

I forgot all about the Microsoft Nigga Windows 40oz project last year. I had started working on an entire Windows theme package that would replace every element of Windows with that of Nigga Windows 40oz. I think I got bored of the idea after a couple afternoons of work.

Ya know, a simple game of football was able to ruin my morning today. My beloved Steelers lost to the damn Bengals in overtime; all because of two consecutive bad calls by the referee that would have secured our victory while we had the lead. After we lost, I physically felt sick to my stomach and went in to a seriously shitty mood. I mean, the Steelers are still kicking ass; they're now 12-3. Oh well, it doesn't really matter that much...'tis only a game.

As a little treat to you, my readers, I managed to actually accomplish something today. I finished another flash movie entitled "Ahh Sausage!" Its a flash based on a weird/stupid joke that Lucid Distortion blurted out one afternoon as we were driving home. You can see the movie in the flash section here.

I laughed and made fun of this dumb woman who was standing in line behind Sir Slayer and I at the grocery store today. We were standing in the self check-out lane at Albertsons, and this black lady taps me on the shoulder and says, "Hey, ain't there nobody working at this line?" I nicely replied: "Ma'am, this is the self check-out. You have to scan and bag your own groceries." The lazy woman ended up getting out of line to go stand in the long line waiting for the cashier. This is another showing of how some black people aren't willing to help themselves: they want someone else to take care of their business for them. Good thing not all blacks are this way, just the ignorant ones.

Damn Dirty Poppy Kids... - January 4, 2002

I really HATE the world of pop culture. What I hate more are people who follow it and even live by it. Raver-like people should all be tortured to death by being sodomized repeatedly by a Rottweiler after having a ham sammich stuff up their ass. I say this because Amanda dragged me to Sammie's (the "overly sociable" rich Jew) party. I hated nearly every minute of it. I was with a bunch of people I hardly knew, and judging by their actions... didn't like. I mean, I'm not the kind of person who goes to parties that involve stupid people dancing and singing to pop music while randomly molesting eachother. Hell, I'm not a person to goes to parties period. The only type of party I'd willingly go to would be a LAN party or a Roleplaying fest; that's it. What really sucked at the party was when I was forced by Amanda to go up and do kareoke. I didn't know any of the songs, and the one she chose happened to be the gayest one there: "Fill Me Up Buttercup." ::::shudder::: I still hate to think about me being there singing. Everyone noticed that I kinda just sat quietly in the corner, talking to an equally anti-social person. What's weird is that whenever I started telling a joke, or even speaking for that matter, I'd become the center of attention. I dunno, I suppose its because I get really animated when I'm joking around. Bah. Who gives a shit. Luckily I was able to get out of there without doing anything bad enough that would get me featured on the next episode of COPS. Maybe I'll be rewarded by Amanda for going to that damn party. Heh. Doubt it. The stupid things you'll do for your girl to try to make her happy. Sigh. Go look at Fat Willie.

The Negative Effects of Doritos on Society - January 3, 2002

I love Doritos, especially Spicier Nacho Doritos. :::Drools::: just thinking about them makes me want to get off of my fat ass and go to 7-11 and buy some. Speaking of fat asses, Doritos are a major cause for fatness of the ass in Americans these days. As you can see, the perfect figure of a woman can be horribly warped into a colossal sea of fat by simply consuming one bag of the delicious Doritos. I mean, not every girl in the world needs to be perfect looking, but a world full of behemoths like the Dorito munching fiend on the right would be totally insane. I'd probably be forced to gouge my eyes out if I had to see beats like that on a daily basis. I mean, seeing The Wench is bad enough, but damn... that's a WHOLE lotta ugly in that picture.... and Doritos are to blame for it. I warn all of you, male and female, to eat your Doritos in moderation. After every few handfuls of chips, take a walk around the house to burn off some of those Dorito induced ass growing calories. Get the rest of the excerise you need by literally running to 7-11 to pick up your next set of munchies.

Solitary Confinement - January 3, 2002

Damn, I was really productive today. Since I was up till 3am working on this site last night, I got to sleep in till 10:30 since I don't have to work at the college right now. Luckily for me, the rest of my family was out moving Dr. Mashhood's office to their new building. This gave me the entire day to myself. I had to spend a good three hours cleaning the house, though. I'm so fucking slow when it comes to cleaning stuff. I mean, whenever someone in my family is home when I have to clean, they do nothing but bitch about how slow I am. Groan. Anyway, I finished my chores by about 2:00. From there, I worked on the site for six straight hours. They kinda just flew by, though as I was talking to Liz and getting the new DemonicRitual.com Store up and functional. I'm proud to say that the store is now open for business. I don't profit from the sale of my products... I just wanted to add something unique to the site for my readers. Other than that, I got all of the buttons at the top of the page working, and I ditched the sound effects from the main banner on all the other pages as I was told that it gets annoying. Well, g'night.

Happy New Year! - January 1, 2002

Hey folks, I'm back! I had to take some serious time off from working on this site so I could relax a bit. Shit, the past month has been filled with tests and projects, plus the hell of Christmas shopping. Today marks the seven month anniversary of DemonicRitual. I can't believe I've managed to maintain a fan base and interest in this site for so long. Sadly, this also starts the seven month countdown. You see, in roughly seven months, I leave for Chicago for basic training. This sadly means that I won't be able to update for at least two to three months. If I'm lucky, and time permits, I'll be able to bring the laughs back once I start Nuke School in Charleston, South Carolina. Awwww enough with the personal shit.... how do you all like the new design? I ditched the frames since they were practically useless. All they really did was eat up 35% of the screen. I like this new layout quite a bit. Send me your comments.

Ack. The start of the new year always means that we make those bullshit "New Year's Resolutions". I fucking hate that idea. I mean, just because we have to go out and buy a new calendar, it doesn't mean we all have to change our lifestyles. Anyway, within two weeks of the year changing, you'll have forgotten your resolution. Most people go with the "I'm gonna lose a shitload of weight this year" resolution. While it is a good idea to lose weight, we all know that it isn't going to happen. Well, hopefully I'll be the exception to this rule as I certainly need to get into shape so I don't die during basic training. I know I can talk my way out of most anything, but I doubt I'll be able to talk my way out of push-ups with a drill instructor screaming in my face. Sigh. Here's to another year.

If you give a moose a muffin... - January 1, 2002

We all remember the silly childrens' books: "If you give a mouse a cookie", "If you give a moose a muffin", and "If you give a pig a pancake", right? If not, don't worry, you'll like this anyway. I have made my own short parody of the classic. Sadly, I can't find a free online version of it so I could make it match perfectly. Oh well, here's what I have:

If you give a nigger a nickel....

If you give a nigger a nickel, he'll want your entire wallet

If you give him your wallet, he'll want to follow you home

If you let him into your house, he'll want to sleep on your bed

If you let him sleep on your bed, he'll want to use your shower

If you let him use your shower, he'll want you to cook him a meal

If give him a free meal, he'll gobble it up with much delight

After he finishes eating, he'll wait for you to turn around with a handful of plates in your hands as you return to the kitchen to wash them, so he can leap up behind you and stab you repeatedly in the back with the knife you gave him to eat his steak with.

If you try to call the police, he'll stab you again and leave you for dead

After you're dead from the stabbing, he'll live in your house and eat your food. He'll watch your TV, play on your computer, and drive your car. This will repeat until he runs out of supplies. This is when goes out to beg from another nice white guy....

The Secret Behind Christmas - January 2, 2002

I know I'm a bit late with this, but you all will just have to get over it!

EDINBURGH, Scotland - Dr. Ian Edwards, head of education at the Royal Botanic Gardens in Edinburgh claims magic mushrooms may help Santa Claus fly. He told The Daily Telegraph about the story originating from Lapland where the people used to feed the hallucinogenic fungi to their herd of reindeer. Edwards said, "They used to feed red and white fly-agaric mushrooms to their reindeer, then drink the animals' urine. Drinking the urine would give them a high similar to taking LSD. One of the results was that they thought they and their reindeer were flying through space, looking down on the world." Additionally, the doctor claims that Santa's traditional red coat may have been inspired by the bright color of the mushroom.